Quite worried for Dear now. He is sick again!!! Down with fever again. Should I bring him for a blood test tomorrow?
Thought I would have a lonely dinner last night. Only Daddy would be at home. Mummy will only be back tomorrow and the rest have gone to Auntie Daisy's house to stay.
However, around evening time last night, Jamie said she would meet me for dinner. Went to Senses in Esplanade. Had their Garlic rice with Teriyaki Chicken and a bowl of Mumshroom soup. Thought of going for a scoop of ice-cream after that. But decided not too as we were too full already.
Though the time we spent together was short, but it was enjoyable. Spent the whole night updating ourselves what we have been doing. And also unfolded some memories. She, Elaine, Samantha and I decided to wear sphagetti strip top out to Suntec City one fine day during our Secondary school time. Do you remember that Elaine? Because Jamie does not.
On my way home, had the giddy spell in me. Went to bed straight after I reached home.
Still thinking should I rebond my hair or spend the money on clothes. By the way, Auntie Daisy will sponsor me $100 for my birthday buffet. =) Is that my birthday present from you or will I get more on that day???
If I enter the salon, should I rebond, wave it or color it??? In a big dilemma now. Many people ask me to do different things. We shall see. If I am not tired and lazy this afternoon, shall head to the salon and see what the hair-dresser suggests.
Got to go to work now. Be back later in the night...
{&i'll hold on till the end of time-}
10:50 PM
Had a real hard cry last night. I guess I really know the outcome of this relationship already. Really do not bear to end it. Shall we just talk things out, know how each other is really feeling and work out a new life? Seeing Elaine blissfully in loev now after the talk they had that night, it really made me want to work things out with him that way too.
Slept with the lights on. Was just afraid to be in the dark. When I really felt that I could fall asleep any moment, I switched off the lights. As expected, he did not call me last night. I guess it is because it is month-end. Or maybe...
It felt like today is a Saturday at work. There was not much emails and faxes to clear.
From around 11am, I was beginning to take reservations from the tray to process already.
During lunch, Faisal joined Rebecca, Darlene and me. Suddenly, he said that his wife ever told him that he can fool around outside. But, told him that he must never never be caught. Rebecca agreed with him. However, Darlene and I just stood there in silence. Darlene would never agree to that I know. For me, of course not as well. But what he continue to say made me think further. If you love a person, set them free. I guess, as long as they know their own limits, it is totally fine for them to hang around with the opposite sex.
Was able to leave at 4pm sharp. Was thinking, "Should I go and pluck my eye-brows?" However, was just too lazy to do so. Headed home straight.
Am still thinking...
- Should I call more people to my birthday party?
- Should I message or call him later?
- Should I go and study part time next year? If I do, I will take the same course as him. Will he think that I am just sticking to him? But he knows, I always have the interest in accouting right?
I was missing him the whole day, am still missing him now and I guess will miss him EVERYDAY.
I am just so in love with him now. He is like a part of my body which nothing can seperate me from already. GOD, SAVE ME... HIM... US!!!
{&i'll hold on till the end of time-}
12:28 PM
Dear thought that he could leave hotel at 6am to go home and rest. He was suppose to have a meeting at 3pm. It turn out that he left at 10am. The time he have been leaving the hotel recently. And, the meeting was actually for him to go to the staff gathering to collect his award.
Nevertheless, he still came to meet me after that. So sweet... However, it was not a pleasant day at all.
There was lots of small quarrels initially. I tried to swallow down all by myself. He is sick. Have to be more forgiving. However, it was too much for me to swallow. I shouted. Said he is going too far. He too realised it and begin to be softer.
We went to watch Shutter, a real scary movie. Dear said this is the first horror movie that can really scare him. But I do not really feel nervous or scared or thought of not watching the scary parts. All because I was in his arms. =) When I was not, I would lean on his shoulder, and that is enough to make me feel warm and calm.
After the movie, as usual, we walked to Amara. However, at the Esplanade, he took out my camera and said he wanted to take photos. After watching the show, I have second thoughts of taking any photos already. Found out that he had erased the one and only photo I have of him. PISSED!!! Was really mad that I threw a black face at him. Nothing could please me then.
Asked him to leave. He really did. Followed him later on. Thought I had lose him. But I spotted him sitting on one of the benches along the pathway. After sometime there, continue to walk to Fullerton hotel, where he stopped. Throughout the walk, not a single word was spoken.
From there, procceeded to the head of the bridge. Where all was fine again. Said I am very stubborn. That made him very angry. Yes, I know I am. Am trying to change it too. Just give me time. Said he had something to say to me, but it is not the right time to say. I think I can guess what he wants to say already.
At the MRT station, asked me, "You really like me?"
I said, "If I say yes how?"
He, "What make you like me?"
Me, "Nothing in particular. It just grew."
He, "What if I tell you I do not want you anymore. With reasoning?"
Me, "Depends on what is the reason."
He, "I already tell you I got ... ..."
From the above, I can confirm what he wants to tell me already. Why he do not want to tell me straight there and then. You mean after all these months, what I did still could not capture all your heart? What I did did not touch you at all? Am I sent to you to by God to be tortured because of something I owe you in my previous life?
I tried, I really tried. At times, I am tired. Really feel like giving up. But I tell myself, I have to create my own happiness. I could really see a change in me after knowing him. How my life is brightened up at times with him around. Till the extend that I do not know how would I live if life is without him. Seriously...
So tell me now, what have been on your mind? Who am I to you actually? Why have you been doing so many things for me if I am nothing to you? What you want me to do from now?
Please do not torture me anymore. We need to talk. Really need to talk...
{&i'll hold on till the end of time-}
4:08 PM
I was well enough to go to work already today.
Straight after work this morning, Dear decided to go to the doctor. He could not take it anymore. Has been shivering the whole night. Exactly how I felt in the beginning when I was ill. His fever was as high as 42 degree celsius!!! To think I thought my 39 degreee clesius was bad enough. The consequence of not getting yourself treated at the early stage of being ill I guess.
Called me a couple of times. Was quite worried also. First time hearing someone with fever that high. However, he planned to meet me tomorrow. Are you sure my dear??? I too also want to meet you. But... Anyhow, we decided to meet. After his meeting tomorrow afternoon... Hope I can clear my work by 4pm.
Today, only manage to leave at around 6.30pm. Had so many emails to clear. When I replied to one, another one will send in a mail. Leave me with never-ending mails to reply to. If without the help of Adeline, I stayed till 8pm again.
On my way home, messaged my friends to ask them if they are coming to my brthday celebration. I suddenly do not feel like celebrating it anymore. Initially, I was quite excited about it. There was so many people I want to invite. But I never think whether or not they would accept my invitation. How naive can I be then. To date, only my 8 girls and Jiemin and Jieyin are confirmed coming. They are my true friends. As for the rest, am still waiting for their reply. Will they come eventually? I hope so. I really hope so. Do not want my day to be spoilt, filled with disappointment. That is why I dread organising events or outings. I feared rejection and failure. It is my 21st birthday celebration this year!!! Please help!!! Do not let my worst fears come true. That is definitely not my wish for this year.
Made the most stupid bet with Millie today. Had a pimple on her hand. Told her if she let me squeeze the pus out, she will receive $10 from me. And she agreed!!! Money-face girl... I had so much fun squeezing the pus out. Squeezed till none is left. At then end of it, she just asked for a plat of fish-and-chips. I will keep my promise to you. Do not worry... It is only a matter of time that I fulfil my promise to you... =)
Dear called me. Told me another story. Said if I do not sound well tomorrow, he do not want to meet me already. Please!!! I definitely will not sound well tomorrow. My voice cannot recover over-night. I still have a slight running nose. Suddenly find him so selfish. I can meet him when he is sick and he cannot when I am??? Only I can suffer and not him??? Not really mad at him though. No point being upset with such minor stuff. And moreover, he is sick already. I know how he is feeling now. So better not agitate him. Although I always do by asking him to repeat what he had said. I really do not mean it. I really cannot catch and hear what you said.
{&i'll hold on till the end of time-}
2:17 PM
I guess I have been sleeping way too much already since Thursday. Slept the whole of Thursday, slept once I reached home from work on Friday and continue the whole of Saturday and today. Terrible. So much so that I am suffering from a headache now...
For the whole of today, have been contemplating whether or not should I go for Sharizal's birthday. Dear called me. Asked me if I want to go. If I am going, he will go with me?!?!?! For a moment, I was actually loss for words. He is willing to go with me??? So sweet of him... But for me, I was half-hearted in going. In the end, he decided that we should just stay at home. However, I did not want such a chance to slip by. So I message him, telling him that I want to go. See if he still wants to go. He did not reply then.
I still went ahead to have my bath and get ready to leave the house. Went to Hougang Mall to get his present 1st. Very last minute thing. Wanted to bring Millie along. So that I will be bored... So that I will have a chance to leave early. But when I said Dear is coming along, she did not want to tag along anymore. =)
Bought him perfume. Cannot remember the brand already.
On my way there, Joey called me. Asked me where I was. Tried to persuade her to go to Sharizal's house as well. But it was raining heavily and I guess she was lazy to leave home as well. Did not join us in the end.
I did not know anyone there when I reached. Just tried to get along with people there. Around 7pm, Parvin and Fida came. Jealousy just sub-consciously creep into me. Why has Dear been mentioning about her name quite often recently? Even shared the burger bought for him!!! When her handphone rang, the first thought that came to my mind, "Is it Dear who is calling her now?" Sometimes I do not know if I am right to be suspicious or am I over-reacting...
Dear did not come as well. Was too tired to do so. He was not feeling well as well.
I left after having a slice of his cake. Messaged Dear that I left already. He just replied with a "Ok". At that moment, I suddenly feel so alone, feel so neglected. I miss HIM... I miss MUMMY... I want him to give me the assurance that I have felt before. It seems to be diminishing already...
{&i'll hold on till the end of time-}
1:23 PM
I thought I was going to die. The past few days was like living in hell...
It all started in the wee hours of Thursday morning. I was only asleep for 2 hours. However, I was awoken by the heat my body was emitting as well as the cold I was feeling. I was feeling so cold that I could feel and hear my teeth chattering.
Dear asked me to wake him up the night before at 6am. Jokingly only as he jolly well knows I will only wake up around 10am the next day as I start work only at 12pm. He had to stay in the hotel as the whole system crashed. Because of this, he had to forego the prize giving ceremony he is suppose to attend on Thursday morning in Holiday Inn Parkview. He had got the Honesty award given out by SHA. What a waste. But at least his hardwork is recognised. Good job my dear...
I did call him at 6am. Because I just could not get to sleep. But he just answered the call, said ok and put down the phone. *Pissed* Wanted so much to tell him how much I am suffering then but he did not bother at all. Not even suspicious as to how come I am still awake then. Guess I should not blame him as well. Guess he is totally drained from the work he has to do everyday.
Told Rebecca that I may not be able to go to work. But when I woke up, I felt much better. So I told her I will be at work. Got ready as usual, went to meet Elaine at Kovan MRT station. Yun Yuan and her are going to BT for an interview as part-time waitress.
When we were at Marina Square, I decided to take MC and not go to work.
Slept immediately after I reached home.
On friday morning, I felt well enough to go to work. However, in the night, I was feeling the heat again. It was so bad that I had a headache and also ear block. Called Mummy immediately to bring me to the doctor. She was still at work then. However, after receiving my call, she put aside all that she need to do and rush home. She even tried to contact Daddy to drive us to the doctor. I suddenly feel so blessed to have such parents. So caring and concern of me. To think I always treat them so badly. So guilty now... =)
At the doctor, he almost scare the hell out of me. Ask me questions like, "Have I been travelling recently?" "Is the people at my workplace having the same syptoms like me?" Then, I was thinking, "Am I having some contagious virus that will spread to everyone around me???"
Gave me another day MC and also more medication.
When Dear called me this morning, he was sick as well. Down with the same symptoms as me... Called me again the evening to check on me. As in to see how I was feeling then. =) The funny thing is, while we were talking in the morning, we sniffed at the same time. In the evening, we cough at the same time. :D We are so close that even sniffing and coughing were done at the same time??? What else can then seprate us? NOTHING.
After a good rest, I guess I am much better. Slept the whole of today. Because of the many drowsiness medicines I have to take. But now, as I am typing this, my hands are shaking. Do not know the reason why also...
{&i'll hold on till the end of time-}
1:16 PM
